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I am not sorry for being independent, very sensitive, or what others call naive. 

Cicpatli Cruz

 

I was raised in a dysfunctional family. My dad beat my mother for everything. She was submissive, never raising her voice or talking about her feelings, desires, dreams, expectations or wishes. She was a devoted mother and wife, until the day she got the courage to say "THAT'S ENOUGH!" For survival, my mother left me behind.

 

My father was selfish. He had no respect for women. Even in front of me he used to look at them and say disrespectful words. I thought being a woman was to be degraded. I thought we were objects to be used. I was witnessing the suffering of souls and becoming a broken spirit. As a woman, I felt diminished.

 

My story also includes my stolen innocence. I was raped at the age of four. These repeated episodes went on until I was six years old. A family member did this to me. I knew aggression and disrespect in my childhood. There was no real affection, no encouragement of any kind. I was a good student. I always did well but no one was ever proud of my achievements. I felt frustrated and disappointed in myself. With lack of support and financial problems, I couldn't even finish my career as a dentist.

 

I was in charge of all aspects of my life at a very young age. It was not easy, my traumas led to depression, always thinking negatively about myself. Not being good enough, beautiful enough, smart enough or talented enough. Always comparing myself to other women, I believed I didn't deserve to be loved. I always wanted to be accepted and visible. With this victim mindset, I was running a race to failure.

 

The few men in my life were also abusive and controlling. It was hard to trust, connect and build friendships with others. I was so involved in my own thoughts, telling myself that I didn't need anything or anyone. Always trying to be in control of my emotions, I became a workaholic. I thought by keeping myself busy I could avoid being in contact with the world. I've always been a hard worker, so the more activities I had, the more disconnected I made myself from the world. That is how I avoided dealing with my emotions.

 

My daily prayer was to have the courage to do everything for myself and to take care of my heart and keep a healthy mind. Forgiving fast and never keeping resentment. All my life I had been in the process of learning and relearning. Being thankful and open minded helped. I can truly say I met good people along the way.

After a lot of re-evaluation and psychotherapies I discovered the bright side of things. The situations in my life were opportunities. Thank God for tomorrow because tomorrow is always a second chance. Even when I still have negative thoughts, I focus on "what is working". I learned that beautiful phrase from a good soul, and it changed my perspective about being a women.

 

I listen to my inner voice, even though I have doubts and fears. There are so many reasons to keep going, to pursue joy. All these tangled thoughts and feelings fill my head, but they keep me going. I am happy and proud of my life. I am content. Everyday I grow. I am also grateful for the errors, because they made me responsible and a resilient human being. I am a work in progress but I believe I am also my own hero. That hero emerged from calamity and human tragedy. The hero with the super powers of love, hope, and good intentions. A woman of action. Always offering these seeds to those who cross my path.

 

I know I am vulnerable but I am also empathetic, a single mother , hard-working, self- employed, authentic and kind. I'm  freelance artist finding my way out of the darkness. My name "Cicpatli" means light. I repeat these words in my head when I wake up each morning and in hard times.

 

I'm a mother of two lovely boys. Their hearts are the soil, where I plant my seeds. I keep that in mind because I know I may not be a perfect mother but I always try my best. If I mess up, I apologize. What matters, is that I recognize it and make it right. I want my children to be moved by the softness within me, because good feelings are gifts from my heart. These beautiful things make a difference in this world.

 

My two boys are the light of my life and the motivation for all I do. They are my inspiration to always keep working hard. I am dedicated to running my own cleaning business, a noble profession, that I maintained with diligence since I came to the United States. America is the place where I found great people, who inspired me, pushed me hard, encouraged me and helped me to pursue my dreams. I think our dreams can be possible if we persist, if we work for them, if we believe in ourselves, and if we do everything in the name of love.

I am a creative self-taught artist who loves nature, culture, and all those things that can inspire me to amplify my imagination and paint conflicted truths or realities. I hope my story is a seed for you too, Iʼd like to empower you to do, to speak because I do understand you, you have a beautiful role being woman, and whatever you had experienced in the past or whatever you are facing right now think how valuable you are, you are your own hero ! Your actions are what define you. It is fundamental to keep an open mind... love others, love life, love yourself.

About the photo: I planned to draw a Phoenix on my wall to share my talent, and you can see that women can be delicate and beautiful but courageous and have strength, we can do anything if we want to. Thanks to my dear friends who made possible this awesomeness of project. I am happy! I feel incredible strong, confident and beautiful!

©2017 by UnApologetic.